Sunday, August 21, 2011

An Ode to Self-Doubt

With only 2 other notable times, this summer has been one of the worst times of my life. Overly dramatic? Perhaps. But that certainly feels like an accurate description. It started with a shocking realization that I don't know (or couldn't remember how to) love Jesus. Love people? No prob (relatively speaking). Then it morphed into an uncertainty of my purpose in God's story. Which then became a significant mantra of doubt in the church as a whole. What is the purpose of the Gospel? of the story of Jesus? How does it actually change people? And why does it matter that I've given my life to it? These deeply scary questions have led to wonderings about orthodoxy and theology - how do I know who is right? If believing in the death and resurrection of Jesus is the base-line, does it matter, truly matter, what we believe about the rapture? about new revelation? about dancing and smoking? And if I don't know what I believe or why I believe it, do I even love God at all? And if I don't know about my love for God, what does that say about my love for humanity, which again raises the question of my purpose and that desire to which I've given my whole life?

When you're a Bible-major/Children's minister/MDiv grad student/hope-to-be missionary, these questions scare the shit out of you.

I can't remember why I love Jesus or the joy I felt in accepting His salvation. But I also can't forget that He loves me; even if I don't know why.

And I don't know what it will take to get me back. Maybe time will heal all wounds.

Can it be next summer already please?


zdbuya said...

Typically isn't an ode more of poetic thing?

Anyways, I don't really have any advice for you that doesn't sound overly cliche and trite online. I don't want to minimize the amount of suck this place is. But you will get through this, maybe not in a way you want or expect, but you will. Because you don't know how to give up. Which is a good thing. So keep pressing on, keep looking for the answers, and cling to that all important truth that you put in here, "I also can't forget that He loves me; even if I don't know why." Keep asking Him because you know he will answer, even through questionable literature ;-)

Love ya like a friend friend.

Anonymous said...

I was in this place for about 3 years. However it seemed like God and I were not on speaking terms for that period. As you know I too have been a bible major and called to do missions. Let me tell you its rough doing missions while being in this place. But as I learned "this too shall pass". I still prayed during the time for my heart not to be hardened more than it was and hoped for something better to come and it did eventually. I don't know what made the change in it all. It happened over night, so it was just God.