You hear a great song, see a beautiful photo, read a fantastic story, or eat an incredible treat and just get defeated. I've written before about feeling jealous over other people's experiences, but this is a different kind of envy. It's not just that I want the same experiences people have, but I want to do what they can do.
My whole life I've summed up my abilities into: "I can do a little bit of a lot, but there's nothing exceptional." I can play the piano, but not that well; I crochet, but basically at best; I can translate Hebrew, but not as well as others; I write but not at the caliber I desire; I'm pretty nice, but certainly not the nicest person you've ever met. There is nothing that makes me stand out in the crowd.
I'm just me. And most days, that's simply not enough.
Yet, during little moments of clarity, I wonder if being me is my ability. Some people are able to endure - to keep going in the face of adversity; maybe I just keep going in the face of mediocrity.
I want to be more. But am I supposed to be?
3 comments:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.
What is your gift I wonder? Perhaps a personality that lets anyone feel comfortable around you. Maybe your talents are in your heart for people, which is a gift in and of itself.
I wish I could crack jokes, make word humor, and generally laugh as well as you (cause let's face it, you're awesome), but I've got my own gifts. I can't bust up some Jonah and throw down some Bible hawtness, so I'm usually impressed. :D
BTW, word verification: Remie. Yes.
I think this blog is filled with more insight and truth than many others I have read.
I have no solution to your philosophical questions or statements, but, alas, I have none. I can relate my life to you though. I recently crushed myself over the same issue and came to this temporary final thought: If I were the best at anything my pride would takeover and I would see no need to rely on Christ for that which I could be the best at all by myself. That's me. So, I have to settle for doing the best I can and that being enough.
Enough is really dependent on how we define the standards we must reach also.
I love you and can't wait to see you soon.
conrep
PS: Your hair is getting very long! :)
this is my 3rd attempt to leave a comment! when i read it this morn, i said "what? who is this random chick and how does she know this about me?!"
i recently wrote a journal entry lamenting my inability to be content with "just me". i often feel envious of other's gifts, talents, experiences. A la early Dane Cook, I say "Why not me?!!"
Something I'm trying to learn is to see myself as God does, because I'm fairly certain he thinks I'm pretty rad.
It's difficult though.
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